Affection as Torture

Shoebox Projects – Los Angeles, CA – May 2019

Affection As Torture is a performance piece exploring memories and trauma from an abusive relationship. The psychological manipulation of gas-lighting and denying affection. The reality of an intimacy close to marriage; one that was active throughout my miscarriage. The jumbled memories and scraps of thoughts; the back and forth between I Love You and I Hate You. The weight of the world and the pressure to please. Life doesn’t come in a neat box with a label of good and evil. Abuse disguises itself in love, in appreciation, in intimacy, in moral support. It hides behind goodness and reason. It believes itself to be good. Moral ambiguity. Chaotic neutral. I refuse to be a victim. Wearing an old used wedding dress, I sat atop a sculptural throne I built out of found wood painted black with fabric scraps draped across the extended arms of the chair. In the background played an experimental sound piece I created using personal muse recordings, vocal segments from my journals and various recorded sounds including live music, radio static and a whistling tea kettle (listen below). Throughout the duration of the sound piece, I cut pieces off of the wedding dress and sewed on scraps of colored fabric using pre-needled thread stabbing into the surface of a ring bearer pillow. I wore the altered garment throughout the remainder of the reception.

Performance was part of an Artist Residency at Shoebox Projects during the month of May